As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, we’re sharing a special story from two people at the heart of The Ties Program—our Directors, Ben and Tanya. Their journey together isn’t just about leading an organization that connects adoptees with their heritage; it’s also about the beautiful, sometimes complex path of supporting one another through life’s most personal experiences, including Tanya’s adoption journey.

Relationships are built on connection, growth, and understanding—something that takes on even deeper meaning when adoption is part of the story. In this conversation, Ben and Tanya share their experiences as partners, their perspectives on love and support, and how their personal journey influences the work they do today. Because love isn’t just about grand gestures—it’s about showing up for each other, every day.

Q: How did you two meet, and what drew you to each other?

Tanya: Ben was the only person staying in the rental I moved into for my second year of grad school. At first, I didn’t like him at all—I thought he was entitled and arrogant. Serious Pride and Prejudice vibes.

After our other two roommates dropped out last minute, Ben and I still went ahead with taking kickboxing and swing dancing classes together. With this forced proximity and shared experiences, I started to realize that maybe my initial judgment was a little harsh—and perhaps his "pride" was more quiet confidence.

We discovered a shared love of the outdoors, along with core foundational beliefs that connected us even more. And as a bonus? He was super cute. Still is. 😍

Ben: Awww… When Tanya first moved in, she gave me the cold shoulder. It was rough. We had a lot of fun taking the classes together, and it led to weekend and evening hikes. I wasn’t trying to win her over, but I was grateful to not have a roommate giving me evil glares all the time.

Then, Tanya took a chance and told me she was starting to like me. But I had strict rules —no dating roommates! But once she started actively dating other people, I realized I didn’t like that solution either. I didn’t want to lose Tanya as a life partner just because we met while living under the same roof. And hey—bonus? Tanya can’t say she didn’t know I was bad at doing dishes before we even started dating.

Q: Tanya, how has Ben supported you in your adoption journey?

Ben's First Trip to Korea to Visit Tanya

Tanya: He’s always supported me whenever something adoption related came up, which let’s be honest, was all the time.

He encouraged me to stay engaged with adoptee spaces, supported me when I decided to return and live in Korea, walked beside me in my therapy journey, and stood by me professionally as well. But most importantly, he listens. He validates my feelings without trying to “fix” things.

Ben: When I first met Tanya, she was working on her Master’s thesis on adoptee identity, so it's been a topic in our relationship from the get-go. I knew it was a large part of her identity and from the very start was trying to navigate how to understand and support someone with life experiences so qualitatively different from my own.

Q: Ben, what has Tanya’s adoption journey taught you about love and support?

Ben: I think the biggest thing was learning to acknowledge there are times I will not understand—at all—and that I can still give Tanya space for those things.

For years, I tried to fully grasp what certain things were like for Tanya, and I’d just end up frustrated. I learned it's better if I just accept that there are some things I will never be able to feel the way she does—and that is Okay. I don’t have to experience something firsthand for it to be real. Accepting that has given both of us a lot more peace.

Tanya: For me, it was learning to tell Ben exactly what I needed—his love and support. Not solutions, not someone trying to “fix” things. Just being present, listening, and offering advice only when I asked for it

Q: Were there moments when it was challenging to understand each other’s experiences? How did you navigate that?

Ben: Where do I even start? The racial discrimination Tanya has faced, the constant questioning of her identity as “American,” the fact that she doesn’t even know her own age, birthday, or her biological family’s history?

I would say the arc of how I handled all of these was starting with denial. I didn’t want to believe that she had these experiences (racism) or that they should impact her psyche (all of the above). But over time, I had to accept that these experiences and their impacts are real—whether I wanted them to be or not.

Tanya: It’s always been difficult to explain the weight of the unknown in my adoption story. It’s something that has been very difficult for me to reconcile and I don’t think I’ll ever fully reconcile it. And trying to convey the experiences I’ve had with racism is exhausting. Or that my birthday is just a reminder that I honestly don’t know anything about my origin story, where I specifically was born, what day, month, let alone year I was born. But Ben always offers a listening ear, and he understands that he’ll never truly get it—and that’s okay.

Q: How do you maintain a strong connection as a couple while navigating personal growth and complex emotions?

Ben: There were periods of my career where I was traveling 70% of the time, while Tanya was at home with the kids. We made it a point to talk every night. We didn't have a formal rule about how long we would talk, but it was usually at least for half an hour. Making sure that we had space to talk, and making sure we were both free and able to talk about any topic, has been key.

Tanya and Ben Snorkeling On Their 10 Year Anniversary Trip

We also prioritized us. When our kids were young, we set up a routine with our neighbors—Friday nights, their kids came to our house so they could have a date night. Saturday nights, ours went to theirs. And every year, we took a mini-vacation together to celebrate our anniversary (even if it wasn’t on the exact date).

Love is both a noun and a verb. If you do not communicate, you are doomed.

Tanya: We made sure to keep dating each other, even after getting married and having kids. We talk all the time, even when we’re away from each other.

We make sure we have experiences together, but we also support each other in our individual passions. For example, I love to run and he is a mountain biker—so we always supported each other to take time to do that for ourselves, without any guilt that we weren’t spending time together. But we also make time for shared experiences, like hiking. Balance is key.

Tanya and Ben hiking in Zion National Park

Q: What advice would you give to partners of adoptees who may not fully understand the complexities of adoption?

Ben: A fish has no idea what it’s like to swing on vines from tree to tree. How could it? There’s no shame in that. So why would you, as a non-adoptee, automatically understand what it’s like to be adopted? There is no shame in not inherently understanding it.

Be willing to learn. Ask questions. But start with the assumption that you do not understand. Saying “I understand” when you do not doesn’t help anyone. Hold space that everyone's truth is different, and just because you cannot imagine something and don't want it to be true, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Tanya: Listen without trying to fix. Understand that it’s okay if you don’t fully understand. Be willing to learn, ask questions, pause, and take time to process. Provide space for your partner to express how they’re doing without shutting down their voice. Validating their feelings and encouraging open dialogue, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable. And also revel in the joy as well.

Q: How has your personal journey influenced the work you do with The Ties Program?

Tanya: This is a hard question to answer in a paragraph, haha. My entire existence has influenced the work I do with Ties. From my own personal experiences of being an intercountry adoptee, living and working in my birth country, and then also being a member of adoptee communities and supporting loved ones, educating others about the experiences of adoptees, my graduate work centered on understanding identity development for adoptees. Understanding the lens of adoption after having children and how that affected me. Professionally and personally, it seems everything has led to this point of working with intercountry adoptees and their loved ones. Support, understanding, research, learning…

Ben: Well, trying to sum up 30 years together and *cough cough* nearly 50 years of life experience into a few words… yeah, not happening. So, I’ll say this:

I’m grateful for the professional path that led me here. But unless you enjoy stories about spreadsheets, I’ll spare you the details. Walking with Tanya on her journey has taught me how important it is to have powerful experiences together. And there are three parts to that—having powerful experiences, having them together, and leaving space to unpack them. That’s something we hold at the core of our Ties trips, and it’s something couples, families, and individuals can build into their lives in any number of ways.

Q: What does love mean to you, especially in the context of your journey together?

Tanya and Ben At Their Wedding

Ben: To me, love is showing up—consistently, wholeheartedly, and without the need to have all the answers.

As the husband of an adoptee, I’ve learned that love isn’t about fixing or filling in the gaps of someone’s story, but about walking alongside them, listening, and holding space for all the complexities that come with that journey. It’s about patience, understanding, and knowing that some questions may never have answers, but that doesn’t make the love any less strong.

Love is choosing each other, every day, through every chapter of the journey.

Tanya: Gah, love. Love is laughter, tears, pain, happiness. It’s always wanting to be close, to share life with one another. It’s trust—knowing he’s the first person I see in the morning and the last one before bedtime. He’s the person I always want by my side through every experience. Love is ever-changing, yet constant. It’s both intense and peaceful. And now I’m getting all mushy and poetic—hahaha.

This Valentine’s Day, we celebrate love in all its forms—romantic, familial, cultural, and personal. Ben and Tanya’s story reminds us that love isn’t just about grand gestures; it’s found in the quiet, steady support we offer one another through life’s complexities.

Here’s to the journeys we share, the connections we build, and the love that guides us along the way. ❤️

Love, Partnership, and the Adoption Journey: A Valentine’s Day Conversation with Tanya & Ben Kaanta