Blending In and Standing Out

“Idreamed of going back to my birth country just to be able to fit in.”

We hear thata lot.

Given the opportunity on a birth countrytrip, many adoptees are anxious to walk a few steps ahead or a few steps behindwhoever they are traveling with (sorry Mom and Dad!) to see what it feels liketo blend in, to be “like everyone else.” 

For most, it is the first time in their lives where they’vehad the chance, and the call is often irresistible.

As they seek to blend, adoptees tend to consciously factor in the language issue, sharing (usually afterward), “I thought if I just didn’t talk to anyone, no one would know.”  And for short periods of time, that works. 

Then, wait a minute, I still stand out?

Despitebeing in a country where blending feels like an option (and to an extent, itis), many adoptees quickly begin to unpack years of emotion around fitting in, aprocess that feels essential to healing. Issues of dual identity become frontand center.

One piece is of course appearance. Spoiler alert—blending is not all about appearance.

 “For most of my life I felt different. I feltthat I wasn’t worth as much. It seemed that I could not be more out of place.Even in my family it seemed that way. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.Going to my birth country changed that for me. Everyone looked like me and Ibelonged.”  --Ties teenager

For many adoptees, the path to healing is not so clear.In our 25-year-18-country historytaking adoptees and their families on this important journey, we’ve heard acontinual dialogue on this topic as adoptees seek to work through the feelingsof having a foot in two worlds.

One Ties adoptee reflected, “I was amazedthat people in my birth country actually do look more like me than the peopleat home – if only I knew how to speak Chinese.”

Another noted,“I learned that even though I was born in Paraguay, I have not lived thereand experienced their culture, so I am therefore not a TRUE Paraguayan.”

Even if an international adoptee can speak the verbal language or appearance is not an issue (think Russia), the struggle to speak the cultural language is ever present. The sense of knowing how things work, the food culture, the family culture, the comedy, music & sports cultures, the what’s-cool-and-what’s-not culture—it’s all there. And then some.

The dual identity conversation we hear on Ties trips sounds like this:

• Are my facial expressions different?
• Did I laugh at something that wasn’t funny?
• Do I dress differently? Wait, it must be my hair!
• Did I use the wrong condiment on the food? What was that we were eating anyway?
• Does anyone have any idea who is singing this song? Crap, why don’t I know that?
• Do I stand differently?  Taking a few steps:  Do I walk differently?

Subtlenuances. Things that matter when you are trying to find your tribe and makesense of the world and your place in it.

Sound like anuncomfortable reality? It is.

Where struggle takes us

Struggle takes us places, places we often need to go to understand ourselves better, to settle into who we are and get comfortable.  The struggle and the healing process are a part of nearly all adoptees’ birth country experience.

Ioften think how wonderfully supportive it is that during this time, parents, siblings,spouses, grandparents and close friends are in the wings, part of the journey, honoringthose they love by giving them the opportunity to explore all parts ofthemselves.

Ilove that adoptees travel together on Ties trips, being there for each otherand creating community among themselves.  “Therewere a lot of adoptees on my trip and I learned that what I think and feelabout my adoption is normal, and I am not alone.” There isreally no way to overstate the significance of adoptees traveling with otheradoptees on this particular trip.

I love that adoptees arelearning about what feels comfortable for them: “I learned to embrace both cultures rather than to try to separate them.I can be happy being adopted and I can have two families, two culturesand two homes.”

I lovethat the experience has such a high impact: “No matter what I do in life, this will be the number one thing thatwill always be on top. Nothing is more life changing than going and visitingyour birth country. I've never experienced such emotion before. I felt thingsthroughout the trip that I never knew were possible. For the first time in mylife, I felt complete and at peace with who I am.”

Identity is . . .

Identity is a continuum. Who I am today is not who I will betomorrow. For tomorrow I will be a culmination of who I have been in all my yesterdaysand who I hope to be in my tomorrows.

Birthcountry travel does not take away sorrow. But it can make it part of yesterday,leaving open the door for hope in the tomorrows.

Next up in this series: My Birth Country is Real and So am I.  

Other parts in this Identity Series:
Introduction
Birth Country Travel: Upon Arrival
Language and Birth Country Travel